I opted for Ubuntu instead of Gentoo because, for some reason, Gentoo was trying to toss me an AMD64 distro for an i7 through the Universal USB Installer (UUI).With an entire DVD to download, I just opted for Ubuntu.
I was wiping the drive of all things Windows. Bye bye.
I was having some issues with installing Ubuntu from USB. They seemed to revolve around drive mounting during the install process, so eventually I tried booting to the Ubuntu install on the USB and checked the mount to the drive I was installing to. It seemed OK, but I decided to change it over to bootable LVM. Then I ran the install from within Ubuntu (instead of from the boot option).
Now everything's working. Just putting that out there unless someone else has issues.