How Not To Use Facebook

These days, time is a precious commodity and I quite simply don't have as much time to spend dealing with social networking... networks. Facebook is one thing which is an enormous time sink and becomes more so because most people get a new toy and, like most people when using something that dumbs down the Internet enough for them to use, go a bit nuts.

It's ok. I understand. I don't necessarily like it, but I understand. And as someone who does understand, it is my responsibility to enlighten. After all, I've been around long enough to remember when the phrase 'asbestos underwear' was new. I remember when email addresses were strings of numbers and dots. For that matter, I remember when pornography was hard to come by (no pun intended).

Here's a short list of what not to do with Facebook if you don't run into the dark side of this techno-dinosaur - and what would be considered inappropriate etiquette by anyone who doesn't view the Internet as a toy built for someone else's recreation... at that someone else's expense of time and energy.

• Poking someone who is already your friend is annoying. 'Poking' seems to have been designed to allow people who are not your friend to see your profile. If you want to say something, then bloody well say it or be advised that I have another idea of where you can stick your digit. And it typically doesn't smell nice, unless you're into that sort of thing... at which point I'll have to pick a new place for your finger. Like in your eye.
• Tagging people in pictures or posts that they have nothing to do with is not only lame, it jumps on the definition of misrepresentation. When someone gets tagged in such a thing, all of their social network gets to read about it and associate the person with whatever the photo is about... plus email updates whenever someone posts to the topic. Disobeying this rule can have dire consequences. Like people sending you to tag hell so that you get a taste of your own medicine. The gloves are off. Try me.
• More updates does not mean more information. Telling people that you are brushing your teeth is all well and good, for those of you with social networks that are concerned with your chronic halitosis. Tell us whether your bra size went up, or whether you're wearing big boy pants now. Those are landmarks. Those are interesting. This is especially true when Facebook is (ab)used in conjunction with Twitter. If you think more than you write, you might have something interesting written.
• Sending more than 3 posts on an event to a group is just asking to be ignored. This is how I missed my alma mater's last reunion. When queried, I told people I was getting spammed about the same event and just started deleting everything helter-skelter.
• If you have someone's email address and you want to contact them - Use Email. Why? Privacy is higher outside of Facebook. Plus it keeps one to one communication where it belongs - in the bucket that collects email. It is insane to get an email to look at a private message on a website. Pretend the Internet runs on gas. Oh wait. It does. Wave goodbye to the Amazon rainforest the next time you start that chaos of email inundation.
• Do not use a car for your profile picture. It demonstrates a lack of imagination and character. Even a bad picture of you is better than that. Loser.
• Do not use a superstar's picture as your own. Not only is that likely to be a copyright and perhaps trademark violation - it shows that you're trying so hard to be cool that you lost what you were looking for. Loser.
• Pay attention to what you share, especially if there are issues at stake that can mean bodily harm to others. A recent example is a group that got removed because of a kidnapping here in Trinidad and Tobago, where the person - weeks later - has still not been returned. Supporting people is one thing. Sharing where you went looking for them on the Internet is insanely stupid. If the kidnappers were smart enough to scoop someone up, guess what? They probably figured out Facebook. After all, you did.
• Applications that require you to invite friends to install will surely mean that you become a spammer by proxy. And on the Internet, the lowest parts of Hell are inhabited by this sort of people. Go ask Uncle Dante to tell you a story.

That should be sufficient for now. As this list needs to be adjusted, I shall get back to it - as time permits.

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