I'm Not The Same Kind of Geek Anymore

About a week ago, I was contacted by a representative of a large company who any self-respecting geek would have given their mouse-hand to work for. It is a good company, one of the few I respect, so I was a bit flattered that they contacted me because of my LinkedIn profile. Of course, that profile and my resume give a sort of history of what I have done - so it was very flattering, but not necessarily what I wanted to do. It made me think. I didn't say 'no'. We agreed to talk, and days passed as we negotiated a voice connection - something we did today.

In email discussion, the basic stuff was outlined - stuff that, over 7 years ago, I used to live and breathe in dark corners such as MuppetLab. People threw problems at a group of people - solutions came out, no one understood how that group did it. I was a part of that group, and extremely lucky to have been. Very magical, that team of characters.

I don't talk much about the sacrifices I've made for others because they were decisions made with the information available at the time. When I returned to Trinidad and Tobago years ago, it was for a variety of reasons - one of the foremost was keeping an eye on the cantankerous old man. He's gone, he's left me with some stuff to take care of that will take care of me. But still, I had plans back then - Big Plans (tm). I was going to start a software company and write stuff that I wanted to write. Through a lack of infrastructure, that fell through. Suddenly I was just here, and that meant doing what was necessary to get income. It so happened that it was writing that paid the bills while I mentally meandered through interests.

So back to the initial phone interview. I'd had days to prepare, and the questions weren't too hard. Had I prepared for technical questions, I probably would have made an impression - but I was vacillating. I wasn't sure I wanted it. I wasn't sure that I wanted to move and do things which, while new with technology, would be very much the same as things that I had done before.

When Honeywell goaded me into going to college, I shocked my manager by taking courses in Oceanography instead of computing for much the same reason: They wanted me to take courses to show that I could do what I had already proven to myself that I could do. That isn't the life I can live.

During the days prior to today, I thought more about if I wanted to do it rather than how to do it. When I spoke with my closest friends about it, I actually did say that it was unlikely to happen because I felt I had already done similar things. I'm not just a programmer anymore; there was a time when that is all I wanted to do... but that started when I was 11. I'm 36 now. Somewhere in the last 25 years, something changed.

But there is also a part of us - maybe the ego, but I think that there is more to it than that - which wants to be acknowledged not only for what we have done but what we could do. I felt that, but not very strongly - not as strongly as I would have about 5 years ago. And that reminded me of someone else close to me with similar issues, who has a part which yearns for what used to be and cannot make what is and what used to be come to terms with each other. That disparity - that stress - is very tiring, but unfortunately it is probably necessary. Looking back 6 years at myself, I probably would tell my younger self that it really doesn't matter - but my younger self wouldn't have listened.

So it is with other people.

It is saddening in a way to see that in someone else, but there is nothing that helps that but time. One morning you wake up and the yearning isn't as strong - but you don't realize it. You wake up one morning and its all over. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't get you frustrated and you just roll with it. One day you wake up and realize that you don't want the same things. And you smile and stare out to the horizon, content in where you are. That is really the secret, I suppose. To be content where you are. The bigger secret is how that manages to happen despite ourselves.

Am I still a geek? You bet. If I get interested in something, I'll dig into it with vigor. I always do. But I also am more selective now where once I was not. I have steeper requirements than a paycheck.

So, the phone pre-interview went well for everyone involved - but it didn't go well for a business arrangement. They have plenty of options - as I said, they can get their pick of the litter because of who they are. And me? I can put together a microscope one day, work on my own stuff, go swing the cutlass at offending weeds.

There was a very special period of time the day I left Suriname, taken during the time the picture was taken, mainly afterward. The sun plunged into the silhouette of the horizon as I stood near the bow, leaning against the boat on the starboard side. The river's motion caused some spray to take to the air, the wind caught it and blew the moisture across my face. During this moment, under the cover of darkness a bit like a pirate of colonial times, I smelled the air - the river enters the sea nearby. The chatter on the boat in Dutch had died down, it was quiet and dark. Buoys marked headings, lights lit docks in the distance. During this moment, the wind across my face and through my hair, embracing me as the water rocked the hull in its own rhythms within rhythms, I did something extraordinary that only those very close to me would have seen.

I smiled, a very genuine smile. I don't think anyone saw it, but that didn't matter. I knew it. Outsiders might have thought me aloof. Perhaps I was. Nothing mattered. The world could have ended. And that smile reminded me why I do things - not for fame, not for money, not to satisfy my own ego, not to impress someone else or be impressed by someone else... the reason I do things is because of the way I feel afterward. If you've ever completed something and were happy with it, you know that feeling. I like feeling that way, and being in an engineering group like that used to give me the very same feeling. Now, I fear, that feeling is in new places.

And I'm finding them every day. So I'm not the same geek anymore, but that is perfectly fine. There are lots of geeks, arguing about programming languages at corporate coffee shops. Been there, done that. Just give me a pen, napkin and a cup of coffee... to go.

I'm headed that way. Maybe I'll see you around sometime.