MAS*H (television)

Posted May 30th, 2006 by Taran

Frank: "What are you doing up there!?"
Hawkeye: "I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank."
Frank: "Since when are you two interested in the Bible?"
Trapper: "I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it."
-- M*A*S*H

General Barker: "What are you doing, Corporal?"
Radar: Doing, sir?"
Barker: "D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing!?"
Radar: "I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir."
-- M*A*S*H

Trapper (about the Swamp): "Someone broke in here and committed a neatness!"
-- M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: "Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about... no promises, no guaranteed survival... no 'saints in surgical garb.' Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending. But then no war is a movie.
-- M*A*S*H

Radar: "They aren't gonna like this."
Frank: "I didn't come here to be liked."
Radar: "You certainly came to the right place."
-- M*A*S*H

Radar (referring to a book Hawkeye is holding): "War AND Peace?"
Trapper: "Well, Tolstoy was very flexible."
Hawkeye: "He went either way."
-- M*A*S*H

Henry: "Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one."
-- M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: "I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad. We're nowhere near that organized."
-- M*A*S*H

(during a poker game in the Swamp)

Hawkeye: "Can't you guys do that somewhere else?"
Trapper: "Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?"
Hawkeye: "I'm not doing anything!"
Trapper: "Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?"

-- M*A*S*H

Hildenbrandt: "In my short stay here, I've seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses, voyeurism, fetishism, and a few 'isms' I've never even heard of. The people here are mad, quite mad, all of them. They are impossible people in an impossible place doing impossible work. The only act I can think of that would be madder would be to break them up."
-- M*A*S*H

Trapper: "I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die."
-- M*A*S*H

Frank: "The man is not normal?"
Hawkeye: "What's normal, Frank?"
Frank: "Normal is everybody doing the same thing."
Trapper: "What about individuality?"
Frank "Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together."
-- M*A*S*H

Maxwell Klinger:Remember me, sir? Corporal Klinger?
Sidney Freedman: Remember you? I had to buy an extra cabinet for your file.
-- M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: "I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak, a very dry martini. A very dry, arrid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowel of a martini. I want a martini than can be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini."
-- M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: "Why do I get the feeling I'm speaking in ever-diminishing circles until I disappear up my own mouth hole?"
-- M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: "A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums."
-- M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: "Freedom! Disgusting! Next thing you know they'll be threatening us with liberty and justice for us all!"
-- M*A*S*H