Wright, Steven (Steven Wright)

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Steven Wright

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches around the world. Maybe you've seen it.
-- Steven Wright

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
-- Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
-- Steven Wright

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
-- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
-- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?"
-- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
-- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
-- Steven Wright

A fool and his money are soon partying.
-- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
-- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
-- Steven Wright

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-- Steven Wright

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
-- Steven Wright

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
-- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
-- Steven Wright

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
-- Steven Wright

Do fish get cramps after eating?
-- Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
-- Steven Wright

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
-- Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
-- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
-- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
-- Steven Wright

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
-- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
-- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
-- Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-- Steven Wright

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.
-- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
-- Steven Wright

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
-- Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
-- Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
-- Steven Wright

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
-- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
-- Steven Wright

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
-- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
-- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
-- Steven Wright

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
-- Steven Wright

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
-- Steven Wright

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-- Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
-- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
-- Steven Wright

I can levitate birds. No one cares.
-- Steven Wright

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
-- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.
-- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
-- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
-- Steven Wright

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
-- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
-- Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
-- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
-- Steven Wright

I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
-- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
-- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
-- Steven Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.
-- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
-- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
-- Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
-- Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.
-- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed.
-- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
-- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
-- Steven Wright

I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
-- Steven Wright

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
-- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fire place. I can sit down in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.
-- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
-- Steven Wright

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
-- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
-- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
-- Steven Wright

I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
-- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
-- Steven Wright

I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
-- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
-- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
-- Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
-- Steven Wright

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.
-- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
-- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
-- Steven Wright

I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
-- Steven Wright

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger.
-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
-- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
-- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
-- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
-- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
-- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
-- Steven Wright

This isn't all true.
-- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
-- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
-- Steven Wright

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
-- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
-- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones?
-- Steven Wright

What's another word for 'thesaurus'?
-- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
-- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
-- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
-- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
-- Steven Wright

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
-- Steven Wright

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
-- Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
-- Steven Wright

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
-- Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
-- Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
-- Steven Wright

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
-- Steven Wright

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
-- Steven Wright

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "You have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
-- Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
-- Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.
-- Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
-- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
-- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
-- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
-- Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.
-- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
-- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright

I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose.
-- Steven Wright

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-- Steven Wright

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
-- Steven Wright

I was an only child....eventually.
-- Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
-- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
-- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
-- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
-- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
-- Steven Wright

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
-- Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.
-- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
-- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-- Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
-- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
-- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
-- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
-- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
-- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
-- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
-- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
-- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
-- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
-- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
-- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
-- Steven Wright

I woke up one day and everything was replaced with an exact replica.
-- Steven Wright

I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
-- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
-- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
-- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
-- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
-- Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-- Steven Wright

I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
-- Steven Wright

I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.
-- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
-- Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
-- Steven Wright

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
-- Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
-- Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
-- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what?
-- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
-- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
-- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend.
-- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
-- Steven Wright

There's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
-- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
-- Steven Wright

This girl told me she was a nymphomaniac but was only attracted to Jewish cowboys... I said, 'My name is Bucky Goldstein.'
-- Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
-- Steven Wright

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-- Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
-- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
-- Steven Wright

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
-- Steven Wright

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
-- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
-- Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
-- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
-- Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-- Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright

One time I made an entire bathing suit out of sponges. I got out of the pool and left and no one could go swimming until I came back.
-- Steven Wright

One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"
-- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
-- Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
-- Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
-- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

-- Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
-- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
-- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
-- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
-- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
-- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
-- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
-- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
-- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
-- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
-- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
-- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
-- Steven Wright

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
-- Steven Wright

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
-- Steven Wright

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
-- Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle, so I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
-- Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
-- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
-- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.
-- Steven Wright

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
-- Steven Wright

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
-- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
-- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.
-- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

-- Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
-- Steven Wright

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
-- Steven Wright

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

-- Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-- Steven Wright

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
-- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one?


-- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

-- Steven Wright

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.


-- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.


-- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

-- Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.


-- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


-- Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
-- Steven Wright

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

-- Steven Wright

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
-- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


-- Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
-- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

-- Steven Wright

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
-- Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.


-- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


-- Steven Wright

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
-- Steven Wright

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-- Steven Wright

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
-- Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Steven Wright

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


-- Steven Wright

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