Adams, Scott (Scott Adams)

Scott Adams

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

-- Scott Adams

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

-- Scott Adams

Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

-- Scott Adams

Dogbert : I'm going back to my old job as a network systems administrator.
Dilbert : Why?
Dogbert : I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.
-- Scott Adams

It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
-- Scott Adams

Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now its more of a reincarnation model. If a worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere.
-- Scott Adams

I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm too busy upgrading the network.
-- Scott Adams

You need to upgrade your IQ a few points. Try listening to classical music.
-- Scott Adams

I need a job where my immense ego seems normal.
-- Scott Adams

63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.
-- Scott Adams

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed…
-- Scott Adams

All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. Its always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it.
-- Scott Adams

You must use the stars as your management guide.
-- Scott Adams

If you believe it works, then you are not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. So randomness is probably an improvement.
-- Scott Adams

I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube.
-- Scott Adams

Out! Out! You Demons of Stupidity!
-- Scott Adams

You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.
-- Scott Adams

Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. You plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.
-- Scott Adams

Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.
-- Scott Adams

There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
-- Scott Adams

Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.
-- Scott Adams

The Dogbert method of eliminating guilt is simple. All of your problems are caused by invisible people named Juan and Cindy. All you have to do is find them and kill them.
-- Scott Adams

Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.
-- Scott Adams

Today I'll teach you to recognize when you're boring. This is called a yawn. When you see one, stop talking about yourself.
-- Scott Adams

My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountablity. As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me.
-- Scott Adams

I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!
-- Scott Adams

If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you are a consultant.
-- Scott Adams

My market research indicates that 50% of your customers are above the median age.
-- Scott Adams

As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.
-- Scott Adams

The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don't. That's why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.
-- Scott Adams

At some point during the summit, probably after a week or so, the scholars would tire of saying to each other, "Nice hat" and asking, "What setting do you use to trim your ratty beard?" Then they'd get down to the business of defining what makes a place holy. Someone would suggest that the key things are the location and the fact that something holy happened there. Eventually, someone with a second-grade understanding of space, possibly the busboy, would point out that everything in the universe has moved a gazillion miles since the holy event, and the concept of location is meaningless unless all the reference points stay put. The best-case scenario is that the "holy place" is now a billion miles away, floating in empty space.
-- Scott Adams

After some embarrassed mumbling, the scholars would insist that they knew all along that location wasn't important. One of them would break the awkwardness by suggesting that a holy place must be defined by the "stuff" that comprises it. That's good news, because the Middle East is made entirely of dirt. The wise King Solomon probably would have advised people to help themselves to as much holy dirt as they wanted. He might have gone so far as to suggest that people put holy dirt in their socks so they can enjoy walking on it wherever they go. But first he would have invented socks and patented the idea, because in addition to being wise, he had a good head for business.
-- Scott Adams

Religious scholars should also help the rest of us understand the question of holy depth. Is it just the top layer of soil that's holy, or does the holiness continue lower into the ground? It's important because if there's no bottom limit, then whatever is on the exact opposite side of the earth is also holy, only upside down. The residents would have to stand on their heads to get the full benefit of the holy rays, but it would be worth it.
-- Scott Adams

Feel free to forward this Holy Place argument to any Induhviduals who need the enlightenment that comes from having their core beliefs mocked. I can't guarantee that this will stop terrorism, but whatever you're doing now isn't working.
-- Scott Adams

Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.
-- Scott Adams

The biggest issue this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it's called leadership, and frankly, we can't get enough of it.
-- Scott Adams

Tip: Place your houseplants in front of the television during the next presidential debate and watch how leafy they get.
-- Scott Adams