Esar, Evan (Evan Esar)

Posted April 14th, 2006 by Taran

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

-- Evan Esar

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

-- Evan Esar

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

-- Evan Esar

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

-- Evan Esar

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

-- Evan Esar

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

-- Evan Esar

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

-- Evan Esar

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.

-- Evan Esar

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

-- Evan Esar

... barking dogs never bite ... while barking ...

-- Evan Esar

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

-- Evan Esar

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

-- Evan Esar

Astronomer, n: An anagram for moon starer.

-- Evan Esar

Gentleman, n.: A man who wouldn't strike a woman with his hat on.

-- Evan Esar

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy – and Jill a wealthy widow.
-- Evan Esar

Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.
-- Evan Esar

A fool and his money are soon parted, but how did they get together in the first place?
-- Evan Esar

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.

-- Evan Esar

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.
-- Evan Esar

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

-- Evan Esar

Faith:

1. An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

2. The basis of three great enterprises: love, democracy, and hash.

3. The boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate.

4. Believing what you know to be untrue.

5. You can't do much with faith and you can't do much without it.

6. If men had no faith in one another, all of us would have to live within our incomes.

-- Evan Esar

After wisdom comes wit.
-- Evan Esar

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.
-- Evan Esar

The two chief means of acquiring success are elbow grease and soft soap.

-- Evan Esar

The means some people take to get ahead in this world will probably put them behind in the next.

-- Evan Esar

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

-- Evan Esar

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

-- Evan Esar

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

-- Evan Esar