The Beginnings of the Cult of Realism: The Anti-Bureaucrats

Over the course of the last 3.4 decades, I have been studying the Bureaucratic Cult, which has been dominant. I have never understood them, and have decided to initiate the Realist Cult which is intended to allow people to identify themselves outside of the Bureaucratic Cult. The test of whether your are dominantly Bureaucrat or Realist is whether you find things I write in this category as offensive - in which case you are dominantly a Bureaucrat - or if you find it something that resonates with you, or you find somewhat amusing. The more amusing it is, the more likely that you are a realist which is fine - because you may join the Realist Cult formally by some little ritual you made up which you can pretend you did, as long as it doesn't involve written instructions on any medium. This imaginary ritual should not include small furry animals, and if it does, we do not wish to hear about it. Keep it to yourself. Keep your little rituals to yourself, because Realists are not interested. We understand the philosophy, and that is enough.

Bureaucracy is rampant in many aspects of our lives, and it is only fair that it should be easier to identify a bureaucrat. Since genetic studies have not yet revealed the bureaucrat chromosome, and most bureaucrats don't even recognize themselves as bureaucrats, it's difficult to be certain when one is dealing with a bureaucrat. And bureaucracy, a separate culture from the Reality Cult^tm that I am a member of, requires we Realists to first identify them.

The Bureaucracy Cult, having seized control under the premises of 'organization' (circa 1 A.D.), democracy, communism, and various other forms of isms, acies, ophies and igions, are rather ambivalent to any race, creed, gender, religion or human culture. In fact, they could be seen as an unpleasant necessity in getting mankind as far as they have come because despite differences in opinion and even violence, they remain networked by Processed Tree Products (PTP) - commonly known as paper. Older Realists may recall when this medium was not antiquated. Thus, when encountering a bureaucrat for the first time, they are likely to offer you a product that is made of paper. The amount of paper that they hand you at this first meeting will determine the actual rank of the bureaucrat. You can announce yourself, or stay in the cupboard/closet/shoebox as long as you please.

Note that any one step of indentifying a bureaucrat is not enough to assure a proper diagnosis. Multiple Steps must prove positive, and the number of Steps will determine to some degree how much of a Bureaucrat a person is.

The Reality Cult is working on a 12 step program for Bureaucrats², but until such time that this is published, do not attempt to reform the bureaucrat, and by no means give them paper or implements of writing. Observe them at a distance if possible. We're working on the problem, feel free to post comments below on possible steps to reform Bureaucrats. Underneath all the dead trees and processes and procedures, they share similar anatomy to Realists, and though they may be physically and mentally destitute, it is the responsibility of Realists everywhere to assure as best that they can that the Bureaucrats do not slide further to the Dark Side, or slow their descent.

The utmost care is needed to avoid being turned into a Bureaucrat, and if you need help, please post a comment below and let us know. We'll get around to it sooner or later; we don't have a process for handling that.

Step One Of Identifying a Bureaucrat

The bureaucratic ranks are unknown even to the bureaucrats, but as they are easily impressed by PTP, it is apparent that the more dead trees that a Bureaucrat can disperse, the higher the rank. Even higher ranking Bureaucrats will make it a point to tell you that they use recycled paper. If the texture is not that of toilet paper, a true Realist will refuse it as this may lead to paper cuts in unpleasant places when the True Realist recycles the paper in the Accepted Realist Manner.¹

Some Realists do exhibit a tendency to use paper in this manner as well, but these are usually limited to small pieces of paper with their names on them, or slightly larger pieces of paper that have numbers on them - commonly called currency, or money. Any other pieces of paper should be viewed with suspicion, with the legal distinction of invoices, bills, receipts or other items related to the abstract concept of 'money' which the bureaucrats have evolved. The True Realist^tm will attempt to minimize even these, but because of where the person is from in the Bureaucracy Global Network^tm (BGN), they may be subject to rules, regulations or subcultures that require certain amounts of paper in first meetings. Be tolerant, we Realists are changing the system for them, trying to address the Reality Divide which separates Bureaucrats from Realists. We want them to use less, and we do not wish to be burdened, but do not be too quick to judge. You may have a cupboard/closet/shoebox realist on your hands who simply doesn't have the technology needed to escape the Bureaucratic Nightmare.

Step Two of Identifying a Bureaucrat

This step should be bypassed if the subject being studied is in a job interview. Bureaucracy demands that even True Realists wear the uniform described below on such occasions.

The typical Bureaucrat will be dressed 'professionally' in a uniform which easily can be identified in most cultures. In Western cultures, men have a tendency to wear light colored shirts with a minimum of one pocket, dark colored pants, and a pair of leather shoes. This is common dress in the Western World with one blatant exception: a colorful piece of cloth which they have tied in a strange form of noose around their neck. This is called a tie, and it is a symbol of how one can choke progress necessary for survival, since it lends to the potential for constricting airway and food passages for most humans. Some females also wear this symbolic noose.

Females typically wear a peculiar arrangement which does not accentuate their figures at all, which is a contrast to men who typically attempt to make their shoulders look broader than they are with the use of padding. Female Bureaucrats usually wear Uncomfortable-Looking-Shoes (ULS). High Ranking Female Bureaucrats may wear both ties and ULS.

Step Three of Identifying a Bureaucrat

In discussion, bureaucrats may have sounds come out of their mouths. Novice bureaucrats speak in a monotone, but be wary of experienced Bureacrats who have learned to not only change tone and timber, but also to project their voice. Most Bureaucrats have well rehearsed jokes that they can tell when a true Realist can't think of one. Be Wary. The more experienced the Bureacrat, the more power they wield on the Dark Side to influence Realists to give up Reality and become Bureacrats.

If the person's name starts with Darth or Master, plug your ears immediately, jump up and down, away from the insidious wielder of Bureaucratic powers, and shout, "LA LA LA LA". Do not stop until you are at least 20,580 meters away (67,519.68503937 feet), as this gives you one minute at the speed of sound - frequency variant, of course.

Step Four of Identifying a Bureaucrat

Bureaucrats like to do Presentations. While lots of people use Microsoft products, the true Bureaucrat will use a Microsoft Powerpoint presentation and will read it to you. Quickly leave the room if you can already read, and ask them to send it to you digitally so you can view it under Sterile Realist Conditions^tm. If you cannot read, it's a wonder that you got this far - but please continue as far as you can.

Step Five of Identifying a Bureaucrat

Bureaucrats, in a meeting, will talk about things like 'motion', which have nothing to do with kinetic energy - in fact, they are quite the reverse. Another common phrase is point of process, which means that they have some process that they are working from. Be wary, and do not commit to acknowledging said process. Fling small objects at them when socially acceptable. When it is not socially acceptable, close or avert your eyes and imagine the small thuds objects would make when hitting the bureaucrat in sensitive regions of the anatomy the host human body that they have taken control of.

Step Six of Identifying a Bureaucrat

On the internet, Bureaucrats are dangerous - but Realists are armed with Reality, Facts and Wit. Bureaucrats typically lack these things, which makes it easy to identify them in discourse. When asked a question, high ranking Bureaucrats will change the conversation and answer a question that they wish to answer - usually with one of the Bureacrats' most deadly weapons: rhetoric. If you are attempting to discuss something but do not feel you are a part of the discussion even though your name is used and even responded to - be wary. You've encountered a Digital Bureaucrat, which means that they likely have mastered all the Physical Bureaucrat Powers and have figured out how to use a mouse and keyboard (probably with some instruction from fellow Bureaucrats).

As soon as a Realist feels that he or she is not a part of the discussion, he or she will verily Say So, and humbug all further discourse until addressing of issues the Realist has presented begins to happen. Given time, experienced Bureaucrats will attempt to twist the words of even the most powerful Realists. On Digital Medium, this is amazingly easy and one must always be on guard.

All other steps above apply as well.

Once a Digital Bureaucrat is identified, mentally tag it and set it free to run amok. Do NOT allow the Bureaucrat Brainwashing Techniques (BBT) to work on you. Once you fall under their sway, Realists will have to jump back into The Matrix and stick large pills in unpleasant orifices (the movie was a family movie, and thus did not show the true pills and methods of insertion).

Step 7 of Identifying a Bureaucrat

Bureaucrats like to surround themselves with other Bureaucrats in closed groups to issue proclamations which they call, 'Results of Meeting' or something along those lines. Many Realists have been twisted into Bureaucrats by inviting them to meetings and burying them in processes, procedures, powerpoint presentations, proclamations and perhaps Pickles.(notice all the words that start with 'p'?)

Step 8, Subsection 2.5 Alpha Dash Qbert of Identifying a Bureaucrat

A Bureaucrat beyond the powers of present Realists to reform would NOT have read this far, and thus the 8th Step (Subsection 2.5 Alpha Dash Qbert) is sending them a link to this message, and awaiting a response about whether or not they read Step 8 (Subsection 2.5 Alpha Dash Qbert). Do not ask them if they read as far as Step 8, a Realist may not tell you either because they may be busy working on Real Problems^TM which a Bureaucrat would not. So Step 8 (Subsection 2.5 Alpha Dash Qbert) is really a waste of time unless Realists decide to cooperate, which we don't usually do since we don't depend on a process to do anything, instead focusing on the solution.

However, a Bureaucrat would consider this all to be a linear process of identification, whereas a Realist would understand intuitively that this is not a process, but a means of separating arbitrary points that are somewhat important to living a Real Life^tm.

Conclusion

Go forth, and Bring Back Reality.

Somehow.

It's not too late.

Reality is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together. Without it... well... do you really want to know?!

¹ Flush, in areas where running water is available.
² This is rather difficult since it's dangerously close to Bureaucracy. We're working on the details haphazardly.
³ There is no third footnote. See Step 8, Subsection 2.5 Alpha Dash Qbert of Identifying a Bureaucrat, above.