[LONG] 2005 In Review (or 'What A Long, Strange Year This Has Been')

It's that time of year. Everyone sits around and starts to think about what 2005 was about for them, what happened this year, and what the future holds. It's only December 27th, 2005, but I've put a lot of thought into it over the last 27 days and since I have the time now, it gets written now. If it can be done now, do it now - that's always been something I have acted on, but this year lent it more weight.

They say growth is painful. I say that I must have grown a lot in 2005. There were a few joys, but in all I would have to say that 2005 has been a year of a lot of... growth.

The Start of 2005

2005 began, as most years these days do, with me attached to the keyboard - but with more urgency than usual. Sure, I had plans for 2005 - but the devastation of the South East Asian tsunami had me front and center trying to help out, even as I was becoming more aware of kidnapping issue in Trinidad and Tobago. But the tsunami's effects seemed more important to me, flurries of emails going back and forth with the WorldChanging.com team and other people around the world - culminating in the blog entry that started the Alert Retrieval Cache project.

January, 2005: The Alert Retrieval Cache

On January 2nd, I sent the word out to any and everyone I could think of for setting up an SMS->email system so that relief efforts could be better coordinated; it's not a new idea but one which simply hadn't been done. It was one of those, 'great idea, stick it on the shelf' things that governments, governmental bodies and NGOs bury under lots of bad ideas¹. Thus the Alert Retrieval Cache was born. Dan Lane did the coding and gateway connections, started the testing, and suddenly - we had a working system.

And as a result of that system, we learned a lot. We learned just how weird and fickle even the best hearted people can be once they find something that requires a change in thought. Jon incorrectly thought that this was a product of the SEA EAT blog, which is no big deal - because in a way, I did as well. But as you can see in that post, the link to the ARC on the SEA EAT blog isn't there. A quick search shows it here, posted by Dina 5 days afterwards. These are volunteers trying to help out after the tsunami - so why did it take so long to get the word out?

There are a few reasons. First of all, someone wanted credit for the *concept* who didn't deserve it², and started muddying the waters. However, that same person did do some good things, like gain the project some visibility through this article on BBC World about the Alert Retrieval Cache, but I didn't get to say everything I wanted to. Unfortunately, the SEA EAT email list wasn't as cooperative³ - perhaps because of the muddying of the waters - and a really good idea that was implemented was announced on the de facto focal point on the internet too late for it to be as useful as it could - after the batteries of most mobile phones would have died. The post finally made it online when Dina and I Skyped and discussed it, and the only issue seemed to be 'liability'. OK, fine, so we moved things off of SEA EAT's resource wiki, and the post happened.

I forget what my role was called, but I think I was basically 'the guy who kept people off of Dan's back.' That, and I had to stop the muddy fellow from posting the number all over the internet and having morons all over the world saying, 'hi, how are you' over a system at least 2 of us were trying to put in use to help people who needed it.

Thus, I started the year with the contrasts of seeing something wonderful come into creation, and then not seeing it used. While Bala waxes poetic about the SEA EAT, I have strong contradictory feelings - though I did end up with some wonderful friends who were forged in that fire. Neha is of special mention, because once we cleared the waters and understood each other, things worked out quite well and we still stay in touch.

I believe that the SEA EAT blog made a difference, and I know that this was a good thing, but I also realized that it wasn't so much worried about handling issues on the ground as it was about informing the public about how and where to donate. Two separate things which, in my own foolish assumption that everyone thought like myself, I thought would be the same. I still think that they should have been better related, but I am a better engineer than a politician, and as a better engineer I hold politicians in very low esteem until they prove otherwise.⁴ We'd been ready for prototype use for some time, but...

Learning that - the hard way - I put out a call for help, and I can tell you that that entry and multiple emails saw absolutely no concrete response, and little in the way of actual consideration. As I saw it, we had built a bridge across a violent river separating actual human beings who were suffering and aid agencies. Not one of them expressed interest. At the end of 2005, I look back on the ARC as one of the greatest failures I have been a part of, and I blame that largely on politics - interpersonal, aid agency and governmental. There was simply no excuse. Dan dropped off the face of the internet for a while, and when I was to meet him later on, it was for about the same reason. The odd part about this is that this wasn't about us - it was about the people on the ground. You know. The people well meaning people were sending high heeled shoes to. I wonder how those tasted...

When it comes to Remembrance Week, I know that in my memory it wasn't all good, and that it wasn't all warm and fuzzy. What all good groups do is revisit problems that occur during an emergency and address them (an 'after action' discussion) - and with groups of volunteers, that's almost impossible - but there's my 2 cents from someone who was involved, and it will be taken the wrong way by some - probably the ones who need to take it as constructive criticism so that these things work better in the future. That is, after all, my intent - but people who aren't trained to handle emergency situations often do not understand how important it is to address the ugly things underneath. I've ranted for inability to rave. I helped in the Kashmir Earthquake to a very small degree - mainly guidance (as did Dan. Nathan Freitas was point-man on that one, and he did wonderful!) - and I've been involved in formal and informal things related to such disasters. I don't think people are taking it seriously enough.

The ARC was later abandoned, and the dormant ARCTX awaits groups interested in it to fill in the details. The image on the right, when clicked, gives an overview. It even makes sense. It's out there, but the sad thing is that it won't be used unless more disasters occur and more people die.

I wish someone would prove me wrong. Sure, making people aware of how they can help by donation is important, but I am of the strong opinion that saving lives is more important. If someone wants to challenge that, I'm quite open to a public debate. The next time you see a glowing post about communication, please think of what has to be improved^a.

I'm still thinking about better solutions for this, and most of the month was spent looking at how to improve upon the engineering instead of staring into the pit of failure. There's no market until it's too late, it seems. What a shame. I got emails with every disaster that struck this year, and I tried to help, but... this stuff works best if it is in place beforehand.

The Travelling Months

Oh yeah - I was a contractor for SSC, seeing to LinuxGazette.com, and started my way to LinuxWorld in Boston - leaving Trinidad behind, and seeing my father for the last time. Florida, Boston, Florida (visited Mom and old friends), Dominican Republic... interesting people, interesting places... went to Jamaica for a conference for the now failed Caribbean Linux Open Source Foundation (CLOSF). I got to see meet some good people there as well. Back to Dominican Republic, then to Costa Rica for a meeting, then to Nicaragua, then Costa Rica again, then Panama City,Panama, then Costa Rica, then Panama, and a few other places - then off to Guyana, touching my feet briefly on the soil of Trinidad again. Sometime before all of this, I was in Dominican Republic for the MISTICA reunion. No idea what they are doing.

During this time I became conversational in Spanish, adding something of value to myself while meeting interesting and valuable people - and meeting a commitment I had made in the original CARDICIS. I learned a lot about how la gente real (the real people) lived, worked, ate and yes - drank. Out of all of these places, Nicaragua impressed me most because the people are friendly, even to gringos, and the work ethic seemed stronger than usual while allowing for all of that. Sure, it's not as rich as Costa Rica, but I'm not a tourist. I'm a wanderer. There's a big difference.

The Greatest Loss So Far

On August 2nd, I got an email from my cousin - my father passed away.

Here's the message:

Subject:Hey!!

Bad News! The Old Man passed away last night ... just
came back from his house ... ash came ... now on the
way to get death cert.

take care ...

e-mail me or 868 ___ ____.

Manu.

Good way to hear about such things, really. You're sitting down and you can read it as many times as you want. I was in Trinidad the same day, within hours, because of Dr. Persaud's assistance. Patience and tolerance were muscles that I exercised a lot, and would be something I would exercise more over the months that followed. True people came forward, and others revealed themselves for what they were (and denying it creatively and as smoothly as expected, I might add). After I worked through the more confusing things, a few people got both barrels of what - this time - was only rock salt by email.

They talk about someone being a 'chip off the old block', but they rarely discuss the rock that has been chipped. This was a big piece that fell off of me, or what I thought was me - and better defined me in ways that I have come to terms with, but which others are still learning about. In some things, I am more tolerant. In others, I have no tolerance.

This past weekend when I saw Uncle Jai, I mentioned all of this to him, and he explained it quite well⁶. That few people knew what my father's address (where he 'lived') was - and that I grew up quite differently, and that others needed to figure out what my address is. Uncle Jai should retire and write; that's a great way to explain it. What it doesn't cover is my finding out my address, which I have generally found recently.

My mother, brother, sister, nieces.... they were all supportive, via email, and some new channels were opened between us. They were probably already there, and I just wasn't aware of them. There are redeeming qualities to hitting brick walls, I suppose.

And a lot of the latter part of the year has been spent finding that address. Taking inventory of who I am, who I am not, what I am, what I am not. Some people have found that in my writing and email responses, some are finding out through actions, some are finding out through lack of action. This is a normal process, but I suppose the old man's death accelerated things.

The Greatest Treasure of 2005

I went back to Guyana after the funeral services, to continue what has become an endeavour undercut by others. But while there, at Guyana Night 2005, I did come across a romantic interest who is back home in Suriname, and who has been keeping me sane through phone calls, emails, and instant messenging. Because of the mysterious 'her', September, 2005 was a lot more bearable and though she has her own problems, she does seem to help keep me on an even keel. Maybe the old man's death made me slightly more open in some regards, but hey - her birthday this month marks 4 months which she probably didn't even realize.

We've survived ourselves despite ourselves. I'd say that may be a good start.

Caribbean Internet Governance

I attended the Caribbean Internet Governance Forum while in Guyana. It seemed a little too top-heavy, with little involvement of people on the ground. I left that forum hungrier than when I went.

The MAHIN Project

The volunteer work in Guyana was undercut mainly because new technology threatened old minds was familiar with... and when I returned to Trinidad and got emails about my work being dismantled without communication with me, I resigned as a volunteer there. Funny thing, being a volunteer... people often don't realize that what one does at no cost comes at great personal cost. To have that disrespected showed me why the particular hospital hadn't implemented any of the things within the folder on the right.

Thus, MAHIN was stalled there, and modifications to the Drupal core have kept me waiting to see what 4.7 release will be like for MAHIN. It's still an active project, it's just waiting for remission.

MobileActive Convergence

After Guyana, off to Canada, for the MobileActive ConvergenceMobileActive Convergence,where I finally met Dan Lane. I met a lot of other interesting people as well, though I think there needed to be more focus on ethics and language.

Ethics and use of technology are a big deal that everyone likes to frollick naked around. Even SMS can be used for Good or Bad.

Returning To Trinidad

Clearing out the house, moving things back in, addressing old memories, attending to details... still attending to details, actually. More introspection, and in the end a lot of freedom coming from letting things go. Some things that I used to think were important simply aren't anymore.

I dusted off the old solar panels that my father and I had planned to use, and I put them into use. I experimented with things, got things working and even broke a few things.

CARDICIS II

I liked the original CARDICIS. It was time well spent. This time, though, it seemed like I had become more sensitive to people attending such meetings to beat their own drum, or to offer a new service for a price to be paid by funding agencies.

I met a few new people, made new and interesting acquaintances, but perhaps the events of this year made me more aware that NGOs are simply a possible means of culture jamming for many - and having read and taken to heart The Rebel Sell, plus a lot of other reading and writing... well, I felt that the whole thing needs a severe reboot if people actually hope to help the people that they are claiming to try to help - not unlike the SEA EAT blog. I suppose my harshest criticism of everyone this year is - 'Do you even know the people you are trying to help? - and do they know you, and what you are doing?'

December, 2005

It's been a long, busy, tough year with a lot of new people in my life, and a few people who have always been there but with reinvigorated connections. While I'm aggressively looking for work and/or new contracts, I have a few dollars stashed under the mattress which can tide me through, and I have family and new friends who are helping out in ways that I had not expected.

My first visitors from abroad are somewhere around South Trinidad right now - driving, maybe getting lost, and their presence has been greatly appreciated through the holidays - though time must be spent continuing to look for contracts and work. Some are surprised that I don't want to stay here in Trinidad, but one Uncle told me that I had never really been here - and in that, he's right.

Into the new year in 2006, I carry less material things than I had when I came into 2005 - which some might see as a loss, but which I oddly see as a gain. What I do carry into 2006 - what I will carry - is Taran; Version 3.4 - more ability, more functionality, and less useless and time consuming features. I carry a stronger intolerance for those who only talk, and a stronger connection with those that do. And I also carry the knowledge that I have lived more in the past 34 years than some get to live in a lifetime. This year is starting a lot easier than last year so far. I hope it stays that way.

Now that this is basically out in the public, I can get busy with some predictions for 2006. I got a crystal ball real cheap from a guy with one eye.

Picture at top is by DevelopmentSeed from the MobileActive Convergence; you can view the original here.
¹I have a humorous theory that these groups generate lots of ideas, bury the good ones with bad ones, and choose the one on top to implement. I'm seeking evidence to the contrary.
² And in good taste, I won't mention the name.
³ I grew up in an English colony, and the use of the word 'cooperative' is understatement for those of you who can't read between the lines.
⁴Social networks, such as the blogosphere, are largely based on interpersonal politics. I don't like mounting other monkeys, and I am not a monkey to be mounted. And oddly enough, that mindset is probably considered political by political monkeys, which makes for nasty recursion.
⁵ The CLOSF failed because nobody could find Donovan Campbell... so far I haven't heard from him again...
⁶ Some people tried to pull my good Uncle in, but he resisted the opportunity they presented.